Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
