i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
