who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
