If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
our cab driver is having phone sex.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
