I wish I could punch you in the face.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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