forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
