there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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