I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
