mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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