I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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