i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
