dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
