My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
