i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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