life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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