i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
now i know why i became what i already was.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
