does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize