Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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