She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
