I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
