He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
