his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dignity is for republicans.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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