I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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