I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
