Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
