Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
