im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
