How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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