He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
