I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
