to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
