Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
