Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
