i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
