Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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