I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
