The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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