I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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