You can't special order awesome
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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