Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize