we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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