how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
