Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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