mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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