So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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