I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i drank out of a bidet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
