I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
