who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
