i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize