I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
