This is not my ceiling
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
