Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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