the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
