I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
