hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
