We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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