she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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