Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
