just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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