Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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